Blog details

How to Argue Effectively

We all have disagreements from time to time, its part of life. And while some disagreements may not arouse a lot of emotion for us, others really seem to get our goat. Sometimes we find ourselves yelling and hurling invectives, and we may not even know why. Clearly under those circumstances, there is an unconscious link to some very charged psychological issue we carry as emotional baggage. Be that as it may, we can become driver by the passion we feel, and lose any sense of the unique characteristics of the situation we are confronting. We lose any sense of purpose and we flail about, like a non-swimmer just thrown into the deep end of the pool. Nothing good comes from this.

However, a few key guidelines can help us immensely in these situations, and actually turn them into productive, potentially problem-solving exercises.

1. Stay humble. Keep in mind, you just might be wrong, or at least over-looking a key fact or two. Don’t be afraid to consider the possibility that the person you are arguing with has a valid point.

2. State your position calmly. Don’t create the impression that you are infused with a sense of self righteous indignation and a crowbar couldn’t separate you from your position.

3. Look for some aspect of the other person’s argument that you can agree with. That is not to say you should compromise your principles or agree to something that really doesn’t make sense to you. But if you can find some aspect of the other person’s argument that you can agree with, it conveys the message that you are truly listening in a serious way and adds credibility to your arguments with the points you don’t agree with.

4. Don’t lose sight of your goals in an argument. An argument might begin with you just wanting to share a point of view, or perhaps wanting to convince someone of your point of view. But then it digresses and you start screaming, as if wanting to verbally pound in your point. Keep in mind that you want a healthy exchange of different perspectives. Don’t treat it as a dual with a winner and a loser’ it’s not that. If a healthy exchange of ideas is not happening, try to make it happen. If you can’t, agree to disagree and end the discussion.

5. Even if you don’t agree with the other person’s perspective, try to see it through their eyes. Showing empathy can detoxify an argument and help the other person listen better to you. (For example, “if I had gone through the terrible experience you endured, I might feel the same way. But ….. )”

6. When listening to the other person’s point of view, repeat it to them to make sure you heard it correctly. This reinforces the fact that you are truly listening to them and often detoxifies the atmosphere of the argument. It also helps you correct any misunderstandings for false impressions you may have formed.

7. Find areas of agreement if you can. Again, doing so makes it clear you don’t need to disagree, and that you’ve thought carefully about those areas in which you disagree.

8. Know that some people are compelled to feel they way they do by profound psychological forces, and simply can’t let go of certain beliefs. When you get this feeling in a heated discussion, don’t experience this as a challenge to try harder to convince the other person of the validity of your arguments. Learn to comfortably end the discussion without agreeing.

Following these guidelines won’t make every argument go well; that is not possible, for reasons mentioned above. But they can facilitate a healthy exchange of ideas in many circumstances.

Posted by: AdminMay 24th, 2016 Share